Lexidiem: Word of the Day

Petition to Annex the United Kingdom
as Part of the United States

Posted in Response to the 

Petition to Revoke the Independence of the United States 

In the light of your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments (most notably the French) and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a Commonwealth of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal codes. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London and far more cultural. Princess Diana will be declared a saint and if the Queen doesn't like it she can get off.

We believe the main reason why Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II does not fancy Utah is because it will turn her already sagging and dry skin into a rather hard leathery shell. Besides people over the age of 80 just do not know what they are talking about 75% of the time - the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip is a prime example of this and his son Prince Charles is fast following his example. If you want a national figure head appoint someone much younger and far more attractive.

To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are to be introduced with immediate effect:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "alumium" for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminum" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry.

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

The letter "U" will be removed from words such as "armour" and "neighbour". Skipping the letter "U" is not considered laziness on our part since the correct pronunciation of those words would be "ar-moo-er" and "nay-boo-er"

You will also end your love affair with the letter "S" (and by the way, it is pronounced zee, not zed. The pronunciation "zee" actually comes from late 17th-century English dialect) and the suffix -ise will be replaced with the suffix -ize.

You also seem to pronounce words horribly wrong, even in your own language. Let’s take Edinburgh for example. You will realize that it is pronounced "Ed-in-burg", not "Ed-in-burra". Where does the –rra come from? If you wish to refer to it still as Edinburgh, we suggest you remove the last two letters and replace them with –rra.

Cockney rhyming slang will no longer be used, as it is an inefficient way to communicate with another. Say what you mean, there is no need to find another word that rhymes with the word you are trying to say.

2. Since you will switch to the American standard of spelling, Microsoft will be notified on your behalf to discontinue the British language pack for the family of Office products.

3. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. (Here’s a hint: If you hear the word "eh" while speaking to someone, this is a clear indication that they are Canadian. Example: Nice weather we’re having, eh?)

You will also have to learn Southern accents. Cops will no longer broadcast subtitles.

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also this "Billy Elliot" was OK. But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, your music industry is great. We’ll leave that intact. (The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden, the Stones and Clapton just to name a few, along with the new ones like Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen). And please stop going on about Shakespeare, the guy's been dead for nearly 400 years.

5. It is inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies, especially if that monarch has no role other than ceremonially. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. Rule Britannia will be the tune with which you will sing your next national anthem to. We will get to work on the lyrics immediately.

6. "Football" as you call it will be a permissible pastime, although you will be required to call it soccer. Police officers will be placed at strategic points around the field and riot gear will always be nearby. If you do cause an incident, we will tear your beloved "Football" away from you faster than you can say "Bangers and Mash". The NFL will be started in the UK as well as college Football (The American one) teams. We welcome any two of your rugby players to play an American Football player anytime. We will also be happy to show your rugby players how to wear proper protective gear, so they don’t lose brain cells every time they play.

7. You will not be allowed to own guns. This is because you fail to see how harmless wooden shields and spears are compared to a weapon capable of firing a projectile at upwards of 2,700 feet per second (Refer to the Anglo-Zulu War). You only pretend to be pompous intellects because you don’t have the testicular fortitude to own a gun, and thus only rely on drive by insults.

8. The 5th of November is no longer a Holiday. The 4th of July will replace this Holiday and become nationally recognized, thus reminding you of when 13 of your most productive colonies decided not to recognize you as their ruler.

9. We have German and Japanese cars, and have our own love affair with them, much as we once did when there a was such a thing as a real British sports car., as ugly as some of them were.   think British cars (those few real ones left) will be banned, as they are too prone to breakdown. We will airlift several hundred thousand Pontiacs, Buicks, and Cadillacs. American cars were crap, we agree, in the 70’s until the late 90’s. Since then, American cars are quite well built, very comfortable, and get good gas mileage.

All roundabouts will be replaced with intersections. You will begin to drive on the right side of the road, seeing as the majority of cars that are driven in rest of the world are. You will convert to the American standard (gallons instead of liters). And Litre will be spelled Liter.

10. Anything fried in animal fat will be banned. (This includes your precious "chips") Belgium was at one time a part of France, so calling them French fries does not seem too far off. To end confusion, thinly sliced pieces of potato (called crisps in the UK) will be referred to as chips, not crisps. Chips will be called French fries, or more commonly, fries.

11. A picture of a Native American will appear inside the Commonwealth of Massachusetts on all British Tea. He will affectionately be known as "Bosty".

12. American microbreweries will be established and you will see how real beer is supposed to taste. We do enjoy Killian’s Irish Red, though. (Good job Ireland. You won’t hear that very often and besides you aren't even part of the UK.) That company will be incorporated with Samuel Adams.

13. You will no longer be allowed to call it petrol, for it is called gasoline. You will adopt the American pricing standard for it (roughly around 70p/liter).

14. The American legal system grows and changes because we don’t live under the impression that our legal system is infallible. We wholeheartedly believe that the British could take a lesson from the way that the Americans respect but don’t worship their legal system. We have a channel called C-SPAN that broadcasts live from our chambers of law (the House and Senate) and occasionally broadcasts British Parliament. We tune to that channel solely to chuckle at how infantile and unorganized your lawmakers are.

We find it especially amusing that our government observes parliamentary procedure whilst (by the way that word is ours now) yours seemingly does not.

15. We will tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for the abomination known as "Teletubbies". Anne Wood will be promptly ordered to pay a fee of $2,500 for any person who suffered psychological abuse due to watching the afore mentioned show.

16. Taxes will be imposed on British citizens for all damages incurred by the British during the Revolutionary War.

Thank you for your cooperation. Should you have any comments or suggestions, please address them to:


The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Website: www.whitehouse.org

Note: in the true American tradition, this document had been heavily edited by many. The original was written by one Andy Alessandro with help from Josh Kropko and excerpts from two rebuttals can be found here on snopes.com. Recent sources include military.com, facebook.com and davidair.com, along with personal updates.

Just to make sure that any blindly patriotic people from either side of the Atlantic don't get their knickers in a knot, this document is in jest, as are the ones related to it. It's just a joke!

I can't make it any clearer than I already have done. It's not a political statement or an Iraq war protest group. It's a humorous response to the Petition to Revoke the Independence of the United States found elsewhere in this Website.

Enjoy!

Technorati Tags: accents, Annex the UK, Brits, humor, jargontalk, lexidiem, Cockney rhyming slang, pronunciation, Teletubbies, Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles, Full Monty, Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen, UK, United States, no pule zone, political statement, Bosty, petrol, European Union, football

Did you receive a message here on Buzznet like this?

PASS THIS ON IT MAY SAVE A LIFE !!!!!!! READ PLEAZ!!!!!
 
Everyone needs to take the time and read this. Just take a break from all your other stupid bulletins about who is gonna die or if your love life will suck for 7 years and be serious and do the right thing. Repost this or you have no soul seriously. A kid needs our help so do the right thing.
 
HI my name is Matt Dawson. I am 23 years old, and I have a large tumor on my brain and severe lung cancer. The doctors say I will die soon if this isn't fixed, and my family can't pay the bills. "The Make A Wish Foundation" has agreed to donate 7 cents for every time this message is reposted. For those of you who repost, I thank you so much. But for those who don't repost it, I will still pray for you. Please, if you are a kind person, have a heart. Please, please, PLEASE REPOST THIS MESSAGE AS "READ PLEASE!"
 
Matt Dawson

Sounds very touching, as lung cancer and brain tumors are tough to deal with.


Did you reply, or pass it on as you were requested to do? 
 
Well, guess what: It's a hoax - you got scammed!
 
This "dying child" appeal first appeared in the Snopes Urban Legend inbox in July 2006 and is simply a reworking of the long-running Amy Bruce e-mail hoax with a different name slapped into the text. Understand this: the Make-A-Wish Foundation® does not participate in chain letter or other direct solicitation wishes, as they state here on their site. They will not donate money to anyone based upon the number of times an online appeal is forwarded via e-mail or posted to message boards. 
 
The Matt Dawson e-mail scam is one of many variants of the same basic hoax, like the one passed around in the name of the American Cancer Society and known as the Little Jessica Mydek hoax. And every time you blindly respond to these, you make yourself look as stupid as the original sender, who is usually laughing at you and the others who answer back, and you piss off the people to whom you pass these things. 
 
Just so you know, the Make-A-Wish Foundation does not assist in getting medical treatment for sick children, but they do work to grant the wishes of youngsters with life-threatening medical conditions. They're about "enriching the human experience with hope, strength, and joy" by helping to create special days for desperately ill children. If you really want to help, just click here to see the many ways that you can help make a difference, even by shopping. And until 9/1/2007, LAY’S Potato Chips will donate 25¢ (US $0.25) to the Make-A-Wish Foundation for every specially marked LAY’S Potato Chip bag that you redeem.
If you're not sure that the e-mail you received is a hoax or not, check one of these legitimate sites, many of which also deal with general Internet security:

• Hoaxbusters
  CIAC Internet Hoax and Chain Letter pages, since February 1995. Excellent resource.
• Hoax-Slayer.com
  Their newsletter keeps you informed about the latest email hoaxes and current Internet scams. 
• TruthOrFiction.com
  Check out rumors, inspirational stories, virus warnings, humorous tales, pleas for help, urban legends, prayer requests and calls to action.
• Symantec's Threat Explorer
  From the people who publish Norton Anti-Virus.
• Urban Legends - Snopes.com
  Locate and identify whether that piece of e-mail you've received is a hoax, the truth, or something in between.
• Google Search - e-mail hoaxes
  Over 90,000 pages regarding e-mail hoaxes and scams, if the ones above can't help.

If you really want to help all of the Matt Dawson's of the world, volunteer your time and talents, donate frequent flier miles, go shopping, donate computer equipment, or eat more Lays potato chips (at 25¢ per bag). But in any case, please just stop causing the Make-A-Wish Foundation to look like a scam outfit. 
 
And stop pissing people off by forwarding crap like the Matt Dawson e-mail hoax!

Technorati tags: Matt Dawson, dying child, urban legend, e-mail hoax, scam, Make-A-Wish, LAY’S Potato Chips, Google, Hoaxbusters, Hoax-Slayer, Truth Or Fiction, Symantec, Snopes, American Cancer Society, Jessica Mydek, Lexidiem, JargonTalk, No Pule Zone, Buzznet 

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